英文小說連載《朗讀者The Reader》Part 2 Chapter 16

I DID GO to the presiding judge after all. I couldn’t make myself visit Hanna. But neither could I endure doing nothing.

Why didn’t I manage to speak to Hanna？

She had left me， deceived me， was not the person I had taken her for or imagined her to be. And who had I been for her？

The little reader she used， the little bedmate with whom she’d had her fun？

Would she have sent me to the gas chamber if she hadn’t been able to leave me， but wanted to get rid of me？

Why did I find it unendurable to do nothing？

I told myself I had to prevent a miscarriage of justice. I had to make sure justice was done， despite Hanna’s lifelong lie， justice both for and against Hanna， so to speak. But I wasn’t really concerned with justice. I couldn’t leave Hanna the way she was， or wanted to be. I had to meddle with her， have some kind of influence and effect on her， if not directly then indirectly.

The judge knew about our seminar group and was happy to invite me to come and talk after a session in court. I knocked， was invited in， greeted， and offered the chair in front of his desk. He was sitting in his shirtsleeves behind it. His robe hung over the back and arms of his chair；

he had sat down in the robe and then slipped out of it. He seemed relaxed， a man who had finished his day’s work and was content. Without the irritated expression he hid behind during the trial， he had a nice， intelligent， harmless civil servant’s face.

He made general easy chitchat， asking me about this and that： what our seminar group thought of the trial， what our professor intended to do with the trial record， which semester we were in， which semester I was in， why I was studying law and when I planned to take my exams. He told me I must be sure to register for the exams on time.

I answered all his questions. Then I listened while he talked about his studies and his exams. He had done everything the right way. He had taken the right classes and seminars at the right time and had passed his final exams with the right degree of success. He liked being a lawyer and a judge， and if he had to do it all again he would do it the same way.

The window was open. In the parking lot， doors were being slammed and engines turned on. I listened to the cars until their noise was swallowed up in the roar of the traffic. Then children came to play and yell in the emptied parking lot. Sometimes a word came through quite clearly： a name， an insult， a call.

The judge stood up and said goodbye. He told me I could come again if I had any other questions， or if I wanted advice on my studies. And he would like to know our seminar group’s evaluation and analysis of the trial.

I walked through the empty parking lot. One of the bigger boys told me how I could walk to the railroad station. Our car pool had driven back right after the session， and I had to take the train. It was a slow rush-hour train that stopped at every station；

people got on and off. I sat at the window， surrounded by ever-changing passengers， conversations， smells. Outside， houses passed by， and roads， cars， trees， distant mountains， castles， and quarries. I took it all in and felt nothing. I was no longer upset at having been left， deceived， and used by Hanna. I no longer had to meddle with her. I felt the numbness with which I had followed the horrors of the trial settling over the emotions and thoughts

我到底還是去找了審判長。去找漢娜我做不到，但是，袖手旁觀什么都不做，我也做不到。

與漢娜談一談為什么我做不到呢？她離我而去，她欺騙了我，她不是那個我了解的漢娜，或令我為之想入非非的漢娜，而我對她來說又是何許人呢？一個被她利用的小朗讀者？一個陪她睡覺，使她獲得床第之歡的小家伙？如果無法離開我，但又想擺脫我時，她也會把我送進毒氣室嗎？

那么，為什么我連袖手旁觀也做不到呢？我心想，我一定要阻止一場錯誤的判決。我一定要主持公道，一種不計較漢娜的生活謊言的絕對公道，它或許對漢娜有利，也可能對她不利，但是，對我來說，這的確不是公道不公道的問題。我不能讓漢娜想怎樣就怎樣，想怎么說就怎么說。我必須要對她施加影響，如果不能直接地，就間接地。

審判長知道我們這個小組，愿意在下次開庭后與我談一次。我敲了敲門，然后被請了進去。他問候我之后請我坐在寫字臺前面的一把椅子上。他只穿了個襯衫，坐在寫字臺的后面。他的法官長袍掛在椅背和椅子的扶手上。他朝長袍坐下去，然后又讓長袍滑落在地上。他看上去很輕松，像一個完成了當天的工作并對此感到很滿意的人。

臉上沒有在法庭審理期間那種煩躁易怒的表情，取而代之的是一副和藹可親、充滿智慧、心地善良的政府官員的面部表情，原來他在法庭上用假面具把自己掩飾了起來。

他無拘無束地與我聊天，向我問這問那，譬如，我們這個小組對法庭審理程序是怎樣想的，我們的教授對法庭備忘錄將如何處理，我們是幾年級的學生，我上了幾個學期了，我為什么要學法律，我想何時參加考試等等。還說，報名參加考試無論如何不應該太晚。

我回答了所有的問題。之后我聽他給我講述了他的學習和考試的情況。他把一切都做得很好，他及時地以優異的成績修滿了各科學分，最后又及時地參加了畢業考試。他喜歡做法學家和法官，如果讓他重新做一遍的話，他仍舊會如此去做。

窗戶敞開著，我聽得見停車場上的關門聲和一輛車發動馬達的聲音。我聽著那輛車開出去，直到它的聲音被喧囂的交通淹沒為止。之后，我聽得見孩子們在空曠的停車場上的玩耍吵鬧聲，時而非常清楚地聽得見一個名字、一句罵人話或一聲喊叫。

審判長站起來與我告別，他說如果我還有什么問題盡管再來找他，如果需要學業上的咨詢也可找他。還說我們小組對審判程序的分析評估結果應該讓他知道。

我向空曠的停車場走去，請一個稍大一點的男孩告訴我去火車站的路怎么走。我們一起乘車的那伙人在休庭之后馬上就趕了回去，我只好坐火車回去。這是一輛慢行的班車，每站都停，人們上上下下。我靠窗坐著，被其他旅客的談笑聲和他們身上所發出的氣味所環繞。

外面的一座座房子、一條條街道、一輛輛汽車、一棵棵樹木從窗外掠過，遠處看得見山脈、城堡和采石場。我能看見一切，但對什么都毫無感覺。我不再為漢娜的棄我而去、為她對我的欺騙和利用感到傷心，我不必再對她施加什么影響了。在參加法庭的審理的過程中，對那些駭人聽聞的事情我感到麻木木仁。

現在我注意到，這種麻木不仁在過去的幾周里對我的感覺和思想產生了影響。如果說我完全解脫了的話，那么未免有些言過其詞了，但是我認為這樣做是對的，這樣才有可能讓我重新回到我的日常生活中去，并在這種生活中繼續生活下去。